The Visit

   It's been an eventful week. This past summer when Richie and Jena lived with us for 3 months I enjoyed it very much. So when Mom and Frank left this morning and I came back from the airport to an empty house, it felt very lonely and I began to cry. Of course the twins are a lot of company and I enjoy them very much, but they are teenagers, and although I love teenagers, it's not the same as having adult conversations and teasing, and someone to confide in. I'm usually busy enough not to notice but it's there, lurking in the back of my brain without realizing it.

   Anyway, Mom and Frank were here for 6 days. I had to talk them into coming and then I worked hard to accommodate every possible comfort so they'd want to come back again. By the time they left, I believe they felt appreciated, needed and loved. Before their arrival I know they considered this a big test and I think Wayne and I passed it.

(See how relaxed Jackson is when he's in his grandma's arms?!) :-)

   Before we drove out to Nathan's, one evening, both mom and Frank wanted a departure curfew of 7:00 p.m. While we were at Emrie's (and we were there for about 35 minutes before she arrived) mom motioned to me, privately, that she wanted to leave. The day before we drove to Wayne's, Frank asked if we could please leave no later than 8 p.m (while there he asked to leave at 7:30). I agreed to accommodate Mom and Frank and felt nothing wrong with their requests. Why would a child want to disrespect me over this? Thankfully Wayne took it in stride and went with the flow.

   Of course Mom and Frank were looking forward to seeing as many of the kids as possible, but I didn't think their requests were unreasonable. Mom is 76 years old and Frank has low 'little kid tolerance', though it doesn't mean they don't love everyone of them, but it does mean they like a little more peace and quiet than we, with children, are used to. They were dreading everyone being at my house on Sunday, but thankfully they were good sports and took the kids to the park in order to lower the noise level in the house. I know they will have good memories, but will go home and rest for a week - ha! Nathan's family is planning to visit them this summer and they are looking forward to that and will feel more comfortable accommodating his family on their home turf.

   Wayne and Frank surprised me by cleaning and organizing my garage. I could hardly believe it when mom and I drove back from going shopping and there was new shelving and a cleared garage floor. I told Wayne I was going to sleep in it that night :-). Mom and Frank helped me plant flowers and bushes and they look so pretty. It's wonderful to have help around the place. One of the best things I did in the last few years was move closer to my brother whom I adore. He goes out of his way, even during his busy life, to help me, and doesn't make me feel like I owe him anything even though I want to figure out how to give back other than the little ways that I do.

   Wayne came over again on Sunday and we missed church because of it. We needed to have some serious one-on-one time to talk with mom and Frank before they left and we'd been so busy during the week that we couldn't find a time to get together when no one else was around, and when Wayne could break away from his schedule. It turned out to be a spiritual experience and we were all touched by the profound lessons learned.

   Richie, Jena, and Jackson were able to come soon enough to spend time with Wayne, too. It was fun watching Richard and Wayne interact with each other. (As I look at the picture above I can hardly stand myself).

(Jackson has a concerned look on his face because he wants grandma to hold him)

   Overall it was a very nice visit, and Jackson is getting bigger already!  :-)

 

Life is Beautiful

   Life has many challenges, but I can say this, I love my life. I hope to live as many more years as I've already lived. I hope to see all of my children marry and have their own little ones. There is so much to live for, so much to experience, so much to learn, and so much to be grateful about. I feel very blessed and grateful that I have the opportunity to exist in this earthly state with the knowledge of the eternal perspective with my beautiful family. 

   Life is beautiful.

Exposed ....

   Let's see, what do I want to write about today. Hmmm. Well, I didn't go to church. I was showered and dressed and then time was running out so I sent the boys off to church on bikes while I dried my hair and 'kind of' intended to be a little late. But then I talked myself out of it. You won't believe why, I'm sure. I don't know why I'm this way either. I was embarrassed to show up in church because of my hair! Ok, I said it out loud, and yes, it sounds as ridiculous as it truly is, but like I said, I don't know why I'm this way. Ever since my orange hair incident I've been wanting to hide, and even though I redyed it, it's very evident that it's not even close to my natural color and very dark.

   Believe me, I feel silly right now. I realized how ridiculous it was when Emrie asked, "Did you go to church today?" And I couldn't lie ... and there I sat, having to admit that I didn't. Of course, I don't think anyone realized my true, poor excuse except for Emrie, and that little admittance was enough to expose my inward idiocy.

   Richard and Jena spent a few hours at my house before we ran over to Emrie and Luke's for a family Easter get-together. I had a wonderful time talking to and holding Jackson before the crowd got to him. He's such a calm little guy and I see the glow in Richard and Jena's eyes as they talk about and interact with him. I see the same look in all of my children's eyes as they talk about their own children and I think it's wonderful.

   Nathan, Cindy, Ashlynn, Ellyce, Jillian, Natalee, Luke, Emrie, Miles, Masie, Lyla, Lars, Hansan, Dallan, Julia, Chris, and I all had a pleasant, yummy Easter dinner; all of the girls made dishes for it. The kids all played together well and the siblings and cousins had fun talking about medical school and careers and kids. We had a few laughs over Stepanie's little rolly-polly guy.

   When Jena was done nursing Jackson I got up and gave my seat to her so she could join in the conversation going on around the table. Richard was such a gentleman, a little later he got up and brought in a chair for me and insisted that I come back in and join them. I appreciated this care very much. Richard is usually conscience of my feelings and he's been this way since he was little. He isn't condescending towards me at all, plus he tickles my funny bone; his lighthearted, witty humor is refreshing.

   I had a nice conversation with Tommy who called to wish me a happy Easter. All is going well for them and they did a little car shopping yesterday. They need a bigger, more dependable car, for sure. He pressed for a visit and I think I can work it out before my school starts up, if I can find a decent priced flight. I love being around Tommy and his family and I would like to see their latest area of residence. They moved from Union City to Pleasanton, which they like much better.

   I know that life is not so much about what happens to me, but how I react to what happens to me. Things happen all day long, some good, some not so good, but putting controls over my reactions is essential to living a stable and healthy life. I don't think I passed the test today. What the heck was I thinking when I let a ridiculous little hair problem keep me from spiritual renewal? My perspective gets out of whack sometimes and then I go spiraling out of control with what's most important! And to think about all the problems in this world, and I'm worried about the color of my hair! Such a silly thing, I think .. maybe... possibly ... umm - I have a lot to learn ...

   On this Easter day I want to express my gratitude for my Heavenly Father who always watches over this family. It's because of our older brother, Jesus Christ, our personal Savior, that our family can be together forever, and we know we will be with Erick again. I am thankful for the knowledge of an eternal perspective and the realization that there is much more to life than this earthly experience. I am thankful for the scriptures and for the moral values that make me desire to be a better person and to be fair and respectful of all human beings. I am a blessed woman. I have had opportunities beyond my imagination. I want to learn to do better and be better as a mother, sister, friend, daughter, and individual. I love life and hope to live and experience this blessing for many more years.

 

Reflection

   As I work on the journal entry about my husband's death, it brings back so much pent up emotion. I realize that everyone's realities and perspectives are so different during the same experience, and we attach our own capacity of understanding to these same events. But not only that, the interactions and familiarity we have with each other before major events affects the reality we feel during the incident. 

   As I have had to reflect back on Erick’s death, it’s like facing it for the first time. Although I have already written down bits and pieces over the years, I would not ‘go there’ too deeply because of the extreme anger I felt for many years, but did not understand why or where this anger came from. I tried to put up a strong front for the sake of my children, but it was only a façade, at least I think it was. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel confused about my emotions so writing about it is very helpful, though it is emotionally draining.

   This is Friday morning and the boys do not have school. I’m afraid we will have to turn on the air conditioning, for good, before too long, but I'm fighting it as long as possible- this is April, for Pete's sake! As I am typing away I am sitting in bed (6:30 a.m.) with my window open and listening to a very loud noise going on in the field behind our fence; new houses galore and it will be nice when they are done building so that I can hear the morning chirping of the birds again.

   Hansan helped me a whole bunch on our yard this week. We planted a shamel ash tree, another orange tree, a lilac bush, and a Mr. Lincoln tea rose bush. We haven’t planted the blackberry vine yet. I want to get our backyard looking better and have more shade so my children and grandchildren will like being here. I plan to devote more attention to the swimming pool area.

   Mom and Frank will arrive on Wednesday and I have a lot to do in our house before they arrive. We are looking forward to their visit.

   Xiaojun was proud to announce that Noel "was selected as one of the finalists of the International Youth Music Competition 2014". Noel practices very hard and I am not surprised. :-) 

Xiaojun and Noel. 

   This picture of Jackson is too cute and adorable not to save in my journal! I want to hold him! 

Picture taken on April 10, 2014  :-) 

Orange Hair?

   So I've got gray hair. No big deal. Well, if it's not such a big deal then why do I dye it? In fact, I went to the salon and paid good money to ensure that my little gray strands were hidden, and then what happens? The hairdresser turned my hair orange! Now what?!

   I fret about it for 3 days and figure that's long enough to safely re-dye it, which I did at home. I bought a $6 box of light brown dye at Walmart despite my daughter's warning to go back to the salon and have them redo it. I redyed it this morning. Guess what?! Now my hair is a LOT darker and I told Emrie I was not leaving my house for a few days!

   Then guess what happens ... Nathan decides to stop by and invite me to dinner. Oh great. Out in public. Not that anyone would care except for me. I asked Nathan if my hair looked lots darker. He looked at it, thinks for a second, and says "no". Ha! Caught him in a lie! but I let it go. He doesn't care at all, but I do. 

   I was planning to let my gray hair grow out but I chickened out. Why? Because, like I told my kids, I can either have gray hair, or be fat, but NOT both at the same time. So, dyed hair it is! and that is that!

   I have to add more to this post. It is exhilarating to feel Nathan's excitement and dream-come-true in regards to his medical school acceptance. It is a joyful occasion when your children's desires and dreams are fulfilled. Words cannot express how grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for helping our family in every area of life, but especially in successes like this. 

His Eyes.

   What would it be like to see ourselves exactly as Heavenly Father does? I wonder if it would change how we interact with others, and change the daily dialogue going on inside our brains?

   'I am a child of God', is the first clue that we are so much more than we realize or remember. I know we are of divine nature and are God's greatest creations, and He never meant for us to think less of ourselves than He does. The world seems to get in the way … or does it? Does the world get in the way, or is this all part of overcoming the world?

   On to another subject- I've heard that we only use 10% of our brain. Is this a false contention, a myth, an old wives’ tale, or is it true? Who came up with this number? A couple of my favorite movies are called Limitless and Inception, both tapping into unbelievable brain potential, and leaving viewers to wonder how much more potential we are capable of.  

   The twins and I spent the weekend babysitting Emrie’s children while she and Luke went on a little hotel trip. It was a pleasant time except for my headache (which I’ve struggled with for the past 3 months because of a pinched nerve in my neck). They are such wonderful grandchildren, each with such cute, individual personalities. Emrie and Luke are doing a great job at teaching them to obey and to be respectful. They swam at our house a couple of times while the twins and I finished some yard work. It was fun watching them get along so well in the water and, of course, they all swim like little fish. 

   My mother sent this picture today: Aunt Beverly, Aunt Bonnie, and Mom. 

STUFF! :-(

   Oh my heck! How is it that human beings, especially American human beings, collect so much STUFF? I am trying to get rid of useless clutter and reorganize my whole house. I'm presently working on the upstairs and feeling very overwhelmed. Sometimes I look at it and then turn around and sit back down. What to do with it all? Then I think, okay, Lynne, pick up one thing at a time, doesn't matter what it is, but either throw it away, or put it away .... ugh. Stuff!  One of the reasons I loved taking the kids to the Casper cabin was to get away from all of the stuff, the noise, the never-ending schedules, away from everything distracting us from spending peaceful and calm time together. All of this stuff, I truly believe, makes it harder to draw closer to each other, and to Heavenly Father. Stuff does not invite peace and calm and help us want to do better.

   Now don't get me wrong, I love the comforts of my own home, the roof over my head, and my soft bed, but the junk, the stuff that piles up and up and up and is never used and collects dust .... why is it there? Old clothes, never used household items, stacks of books and papers and .... stuff. I could live simply and be very happy, and actually, I would be happier if I lived more simply.

   I have found that as I sort through my things and get rid of stuff that hasn't served any purpose whatsoever for years, it is like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. My mind opens up and creates space for more peace and serenity, an ability to receive more personal inspiration and knowledge. A clean, uncluttered room opens my mind and heart to feel more bright and airy which makes me happy as I see the stuff disappear before my eyes.

   Now, it's 10:00 p.m. and I am very tired, but I can't get into my bed. Why? Because I've been going through my stuff and it's all over my bed! :'(
 

You and You're

   I mainly learned to write by reading a lot at an early age, but when it came to learning the "rules" of writing, I kind of tuned out. Although I've improved over the years, I still find it hard to focus when trying to understand the formal rules of grammar, but I do have a desire to learn in spurts. I am amused by people who are so into the technicalities of writing that they give off an air of superiority or even a snooty attitude as if the grammar is more important than what the person has to say. If I read an incorrect sentence, I can usually fix it, but I probably can't explain the rules as to why it is wrong, and for that I run to the internet, and thank goodness for the internet! I have a hard time conveying my feelings in word. I have mentioned a few times that I know I am hindered by my own lack of vocabulary and mechanics, but I still like to write when I'm in the right mood. However, I do admit that I have an attitude problem when writers use your for you're-- there, their, and they're incorrectly-- or, its for it's, etc. So, I guess I deserve whatever judgment the reader places on my head! ha!

Negative Noises

   I am feeling better, getting outside more, and am able to get some things done around the house and yard I haven't been able to get to since starting school; I'm feeling less stressed, and getting my mind and heart back into kilter. I believe I needed this little break from school, and it came just in time. With help, I figured out how to fix some health issues, and am on the road to restoring some important perspectives, and have turned down the internal negativity, and am taking better care of myself.

Getting outdoors and enjoying the beauty of this earth has always uplifted my spirits. 

So why did I stop?

   I am not sure how I got myself so far off track but in hindsight, once again, I couldn't see the forest through the trees. Until I started coming up out of the depths of depression (which I didn't realize I had), I had no idea I was so far down in the slumps. Every little thing in life seemed very hard and stressful.; leaving the house to go buy milk, getting dressed or taking a shower seemed like too much effort. I didn't want to see anyone or do anything, but I had to because my homework still needed to get done, and of course I needed to attend to my boys. Anything outside the four walls of my home was not appealing or welcome. I didn't want to talk or interact with friends and I certainly didn't want anyone to know that I couldn't handle most everything in life. My physical and spiritual energy seemed depleted, and the internal negative noise was louder than any other sound, beating me down even more.

   How does one get to this point and not realize what's going on?

  I have many blessings and one of them is my brother.

   I have a wonderful family, please don't misunderstand. My children would do anything for me when they realize I need or want something, but sometimes I hide my inner turmoils. Not only for my own sake, but for the sake of my children, I need to be healthy enough (spiritually, mentally, and physically) to be there for them, too. I'm sure that if Erick were still here, I could do more. There is definitely strength in team effort- two heads are better than one! :-) 

 

Passing the Bar

   On the same day that I was offered a substantial scholarship and stipend towards my MSW, Tommy received notice that he had passed the Bar! Honestly, I am so proud of him; he has kept his eye on his goals and finally attained yet another big one.

   He works for Pearl Law Group, based in San Francisco: 

http://www.immigrationlaw.com/. 

Here is his entertaining biography: 

http://www.immigrationlaw.com/pearl_employee/tommy/

  It makes me very happy for Tommy  that this employer treats him so well, and respects and places a lot of trust in him. Tommy will soon help to start up a new avenue for this business and will work directly in Chinese affairs 

"Passing the Bar" celebration at work. 

   When I first got off the phone with the man who told me that I was offered this big scholarship/stipend award, I wanted to cry. I'm not sure exactly why other than that my first thought went to my twins. I have been a mom for over 35 years, and no matter what I've been doing, at least I could work around my children's schedules. It meant as much to Erick as it did to me that I be available to our children's needs while raising them. Erick would have done anything, taken any job, taken 3 jobs if he must, to allow me to stay home with them. 

   Hansan and Dallan are 16 1/2 years old, and although they are good boys, seemingly very trustworthy, it only takes a moment for a teenager to get off course sometimes. And although it sometimes happens even when the mom and dad are home, it happens more often when there's no parent available.

   On the other hand, I feel that Heavenly Father has been with our family every step of the way, helping and protecting our choices, as we experience the negative or positive consequences of  our own actions. I have wrestled with this great opportunity that has been placed before me, seemingly on a silver platter, and pray I make the choice that will be most beneficial for my family and for myself. 

 4/4/2014 - I finally accepted the Department of Economic Security Stipend, in Child Welfare, funded by the Title IV-E program. I guess it's a good sign that I felt better once I said yes. This is an unbelievable opportunity, really, and I trust that I will be able to meet the needs of my boys and my family. Tommy says he has every confidence this will work out and his encouraging tone helped me feel even more peace. Emrie's comment was, "How could anyone not take it". Richard had no doubts I should accept it. Nathan compared it to when he was thinking about signing up in the armed forces to get his medical schooling paid, but agreed that my time frame does not compare, it only requiring that I work 18 months after I graduate. The twins feel good about it. Michael, Timothy and Taylor are excited for me. So, I suppose I could say that I have the support of my family.