Part
One-
I remember all of my feelings while my husband
lay dying, and on the day of his death, as if it were yesterday. How can one ever
forget?
One year after Erick
died, another significant person died in my life. We had moved Al Sarratt from
California to Wyoming to be near us. She lived in our home nearly a year while
her new home was built. It was fun helping her design the floor plan, and
though it wasn't very big, it was perfect for her. Eventually she was overcome
by colon cancer and died within her home while I took care of her. At
87-years-old, on her death bed and barely able to speak, Al said, "Lynney,
no one really wants to die." I told her that I believed her.
The night
before Erick was sent to Billings, he had a frightening headache. Tommy was
home alone with his dad and I had the other children with me while running Al
to the SLC airport the day before. When I arrived back home this same evening,
Erick looked very worried. Through blood tests they discovered that his white
blood cell count was the highest ever recorded at Powell Hospital; they sent
him home but told they would call the next morning with more results. Erick
said, "Lynne, what could it be?" I sensed that he was afraid. On this
same night he told me that his father and grandfather, whom had died a few
years earlier, had visited him the last time he attended the temple. He said he
felt their presence as strongly as if they were both sitting on each
side of him.
The
doctor called very early the next morning and told us to pack a suitcase and head to Billings. He was trying to be gentle, but at the same time wanting us to realize the probable seriousness of the situation. We
took our toddler twins with us, and it was obvious while waiting in the Billings doctor's office that Erick was miserable. The twins and I stayed in the waiting room so our babies weren't in the way while Erick had more tests. After an hour, or so, they confirmed that he did, in fact, have leukemia and would needto be hospitalized immediately. Erick never returned home.
Part
Two-
(It
has taken me a few days to regroup after writing about some of the events
leading up to my husband's death. It was not an easy time and most of the
memories are still very tender and fresh in my heart and mind.)
After
the doctor appointment we drove directly to the hospital. More tests were run,
and the doctor at the hospital reassured us that out of all the leukemia's to develop, Erick's was the better type since his prognosis had a higher percentage
rate of remission. Erick noticeably slumped in his chair with great relief
after hearing this. I couldn't help but think, there's a best type of leukemia?
Erick
was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia (AML) which needed treatment right away (leukemia is a type of blood and bone marrow cancer). The goal of treatment, obviously, was to bring about a remission. Since Erick was
otherwise healthy and fairly young, an aggressive treatment plan involved chemotherapy. If this did not work, they would try a bone marrow transplant and
Erick's brother, Robert, was a match.
After
the first round of induction chemotherapy, which was very intense, Erick's leukemia only got worse. This was surreal, we had no
clue there was anything wrong before this emergency situation, then here we are, in an immediate, unexpected life-changing situation. Looking
back over the past 3 months, how could we have missed so many warning signs?
Erick would come home from work, lie on our bedroom floor and prop his legs up over the bed to give his hips relief. Then he started having bloody noses that would last for a couple of hours; not a lot of blood, but they were frequent.These started occurring a couple of weeks before the emergency room incident. Why didn't we put two-and-two together? Also within this two-week time frame, a huge bruise showed up on Erick's chest. It was a Saturday and we were doing yard work, moving branches and raking leaves, etc., and by the end of this day Erick has this big bruise we figured was from getting thumped by a tree branch or from hauling wood in his arms.
I remember driving through the streets of Powell about 3 months prior to Erick's death, feeling grateful for my family, for my life, thankful for the good children we had, and feeling blessed to have our baby twins, grateful for a husband who provided for us. Erick and I had some marital challenges but I knew this was where I wanted to be and was supposed to be. Then came a voice from within, "Lynne, this could all change tomorrow." I realized this was true but it did not hinder my elated, peaceful feelings right then, and it was a powerful message that would, surprisingly, bring me comfort down the road.
Erick would come home from work, lie on our bedroom floor and prop his legs up over the bed to give his hips relief. Then he started having bloody noses that would last for a couple of hours; not a lot of blood, but they were frequent.These started occurring a couple of weeks before the emergency room incident. Why didn't we put two-and-two together? Also within this two-week time frame, a huge bruise showed up on Erick's chest. It was a Saturday and we were doing yard work, moving branches and raking leaves, etc., and by the end of this day Erick has this big bruise we figured was from getting thumped by a tree branch or from hauling wood in his arms.
I remember driving through the streets of Powell about 3 months prior to Erick's death, feeling grateful for my family, for my life, thankful for the good children we had, and feeling blessed to have our baby twins, grateful for a husband who provided for us. Erick and I had some marital challenges but I knew this was where I wanted to be and was supposed to be. Then came a voice from within, "Lynne, this could all change tomorrow." I realized this was true but it did not hinder my elated, peaceful feelings right then, and it was a powerful message that would, surprisingly, bring me comfort down the road.
Part
Three-
I
cannot remember the doctor's name, but I really liked him. He was informative, compassionate, and quick to attend to both Erick and I. You
could say that he had a good bedside manner and his presence was very
comforting. I presently have 3 boys who are headed into the medical field and I
hope they realize how important it is to develop sensitivity and
compassion towards patients, as this part of medicine is just as important as
all other aspects of the field, if not most important at times.
After the chemo, Erick was very sick and did
not want to get out of bed. I encouraged him to get up and move a bit in hopes
of a better outcome, the doctor said it couldn't hurt. By this point Erick had
blood in his urine. He would get up at least once each day and walk for 5 to 10 minutes around in the hospital corridor. We invited Alyce to play cards with
us, and he tried putting a plastic model car together; Erick also tried to look over business papers but I encouraged him not to
worry about work, just to work at getting well.
Visitors
would come and go but Erick did not want to see them, he did not have the
energy or desire; under normal circumstances he was very social. I put a stop to visitors, to protect his wishes. Lots of
people sent cards and flowers and tried to visit. Actually, Erick did not
want outside family to visit either. Other than to see his children for short
periods of time, he only wanted me in his room and he did not want me to
leave at all. He moved a reclining chair close to his bed in hopes that I would sleep next to him. I stayed by his
beside as much as possible, but eventually hospital
staff encouraged me to get more rest, expressing concern about my health, so I slept in an apartment near
the hospital, which was donated for use by one of my mom's friends from St.
Louis. I would leave late and come back early. Once Robert arrived he stayed with Erick a couple of nights when I wasn't
there. My mom, Erick's mom, Erick's brother, Wayne, and Robert used this
apartment, too.
Jodie
and Susan helped care for our children at home in Powell while I stayed with
Erick in Billings, and lots of people supported our family with meals and rides and other services. It truly felt like the whole town wanted to give us support and love. We understood that many, even manypeople we didn't personally know, were praying and fasting for Erick and our family. Our children's teachers kept a closer eye on our children.
At the end of the first week of Erick's hospitalization, I felt I should make a quick run to Powell to check on our children and to return a vacuum I had borrowed from Al; I had promised to return it soon and didn't want to upset her. The night before, I told Erick I wanted to make this quick trip and that I would leave early and return by noon. He did not want me to go but I figured I could run there and back before he'd hardly miss me. When I think back on this decision I wonder about it. Erick was afraid and he needed me there. I did not leave him again.
At the end of the first week of Erick's hospitalization, I felt I should make a quick run to Powell to check on our children and to return a vacuum I had borrowed from Al; I had promised to return it soon and didn't want to upset her. The night before, I told Erick I wanted to make this quick trip and that I would leave early and return by noon. He did not want me to go but I figured I could run there and back before he'd hardly miss me. When I think back on this decision I wonder about it. Erick was afraid and he needed me there. I did not leave him again.
I was only in Powell for about 20 minutes, long enough to hug the kids (which I needed) and return Al's vacuum.While I was gone during this short span of time, Erick tried to read, but the words were a jumbled mess. When the nurse came into his room, she
couldn't understand his speech, it was a garbled mess. By the time
I returned, Erick was in x-ray. I sensed Erick's relief once I was by his side, and I held a pan under his chin as he threw up a lot of blood. I felt horrified that this was happening, but did not show it, and I knew Erick knew he was in big trouble. The energy in the room was very tense, and as I noticed the expressions on the tech staff it was obvious this was a bad situation. They discovered a blood clot in Erick's brain about the size of a dime and this was cause for grave concern. Erick was immediately moved into
the ICU unit, from which he never left.
Part Four-
And besides all of that, there
must be something to growing old together. We learn life lessons, we mellow, we accept each other's flaws, we become more aware of the little things that makes our spouse great; we
gain wisdom in our priorities and perspectives, right? We progress together,
we learn to love more deeply. We grow comfortable with each other, we take each
other for granted ... we assume there will be a natural order to our family
life.
So
here he was, my Erick, laying in the ICU unit, a cubicle. Room enough for a bed
and some rolling equipment, room to sit next to my husband with curtains drawn as our
attempt to privacy. I remember the hustle-bustle of hospital activity, the
sounds of hospital equipment, the sterile smells, completely void of a familiar
coziness like being at home.
As a family we opted for brain surgery in hopes of lessening the
damage from the aneurysm. The doctor was doubtful, but trying to be optimistic
and understanding our situation, he agreed that he, also, would choose the surgery if he had to make this same decision for his brother.
After surgery, Erick's cranial pressure became dangerously high. To try to
relieve some of this, plastic tubes (or shunts) were inserted through his cranium
to hopefully relieve this pressure. His body temperature was unbelievably high.
It was not a calming sight to see my husband laying there with tubes shooting up
out of his bald head. He was hooked up to a catheter, which he did not like. He
was naked except for a hand towel over his groin.
Erick
had always had a thick head of hair. He mentioned, many times, that he was thankful his hair was turning white at a younger age rather than going bald. He lost some of his hair after chemotherapy, and the remainder was shaved
off before surgery. Erick
was also a very modest man. There is no doubt in my mind that he would be
bothered by his nakedness as outside family came in and out.
The
medical team rolled Erick out of surgery and back into the little ICU cubicle.
His head was bandaged in white cloth and there was no movement. He looked so
vulnerable. Erick had dropped many pounds very fast. Ever since he'd entered
the hospital, for the most part, he'd only been fed intravenously.
About
3 months before Erick got to this point, he and I had gone to visit a lady in
her home. For some reason, I don't remember why, our conversation turned to
opinions about life support. I remember feeling very upset at both of them and,
actually, couldn't believe what they were saying. Erick stated that he thought
life support was of the devil, and this other lady felt the same way. I said
that it could be a blessing because lives have been saved to go forward and
live many more productive years. Of course there are a few exceptions, but
generally, I consider it one of our modern miracles.
Little
did I realize the role this conversation would play in my heart a couple of
short months later.
Part
Five-
On
the second or third day after entering the hospital, Erick was asked to assign
someone to make his medical decisions in case he became incapacitated to do so
for himself. This was an uncomfortable matter for him to face, the thought that
he might get to this point. He wanted me to have full authority to make these
decisions for him, whether or not to use life support, etc.
This
was not an easy conversation between us, but I was thankful that Erick trusted me with this authority because I knew that I would fight for his life, yet respect his
wishes about life support. I knew that I would know what to do, and be strong enough
to make hard decisions, if necessary, with Heavenly Father's help. At the same
time, Erick also told me that if anything happened, to contact an accountant,
named James, he knew would want to buy his business.
During
this first week our children came to visit him. They were happy to see him and
Erick was happy to see them, but it was a painful reminder for Erick. He was
scared and did not want to leave his family behind, and I knew he sensed the
seriousness of his situation. The children were not allowed to stay too long
because Erick was so sick.
While
our children were in the hospital room with us it was as if my spirit became a
little disconnected from my body; as if I was peeking in on a separated view of
our children surrounding Erick, feeling the internal emotions of each family
member. I will make an attempt to explain this at a later time, but it was a
powerful few minutes of realization.
(One
of the beauties of technology, and journaling online, is that I can come back
to my posts and rephrase very easily. I will do this on the paragraph above as
I find ways to communicate my memories and thoughts more clearly.)
At
this time, Nathan was on his mission in Argentina. Emrie had barely started her
first year of college at BYU. Tommy was the oldest child still at home and he
was in his junior year of high school.
I
will write more about all of this in a few days. I am writing about this in
several parts because it is painful to go back to this time period. Like I've
said before, it's as if it were yesterday. However, I also realize, for
whatever reasons, it's important to write about this.
Part
Six-
As mentioned before, after the development of the brain clot, Erick was taken into surgery and then to the ICU unit. A neural surgeon assessed the outcome of this procedure through several little tests and by asking Erick simple questions.
As mentioned before, after the development of the brain clot, Erick was taken into surgery and then to the ICU unit. A neural surgeon assessed the outcome of this procedure through several little tests and by asking Erick simple questions.
The doctor, pointing to the clock, "Erick what is that?" Erick
could understand what the doctor asked but his response was gibberish. The
doctor pointed to several items- a pencil, the lights, his foot, his finger,
about 12 different objects, and Erick could understand but couldn't respond
with the correct formation of words, it always sounded like unintelligible
gibberish. Then the doctor pointed towards me and asked Erick who I was.
Without hesitation, clear as day, and with a strong voice, Erick responded,
"My wife!"
Throughout Erick's
stay at the hospital, several hospital staff tried to get Erick's wedding ring
off of his finger. He would tell them to leave it alone and under no persuasion
could he be coaxed into taking it off. They were afraid his finger would swell,
but Erick would not budge.
After the neural surgeon assessed Erick's abilities, he expressed some hope that Erick would live. He said that he might not ever do accounting again, but felt that through rehabilitation he could perform minimal tasks. He also might be in a wheelchair for the remainder of his life.
My thinking after the doctor's evaluation was that I wanted Erick here in any way we could keep him. I would be fine with waiting on him hand and foot for the remainder of his life, just so long as he could still recognize his family and enjoy the progress of his children. Maybe if he wasn't so bogged down from the pressures of work, he'd be able to relax and be happy and healthy despite his physical limitations.
While Erick was in the ICU, outside family members would come in and out of his cubicle pretty much whenever they felt like it. They had in mind their own approaches to try and "cure" Erick. Several would come in at once and make a bunch of ridiculous noises while laughing and singing, and put a music box on the bed at Erick's head. I sensed by the slight change in expression that he was agitated by this. I realized that he wanted to hear my voice and nothing else. These were his last hours and he didn't want just anyone floating in and out of his room, making a spectacle of themselves to suit their own needs. I'm sure they meant well, but at the time I was feeling extremely protective of Erick and only cared about what I knew Erick wanted. I was grateful when visiting hours ended each day. He had made it clear to me that he wanted only his wife and children surrounding him at this time. I believe he felt comfort when Robert was around him, too, though.
During this 2nd week, I discerned that Erick would not live. All of the hullabaloo going on around him was appalling to me. I wanted to be alone with my husband and ascertained that if left the decision open for discussion, Erick would be on life support forever. Erick trusted me with this decision. Sometimes it is hard for family to let go, to perceive when it is enough. Although I wanted Erick to live, I did not deceive myself into thinking that he would, and Heavenly Father's Spirit had clearly been preparing my children and I to accept what was to come.
At some point during this week, Erick was given a priesthood blessing by his brother, Wayne, who commanded Erick to live. I was immediately sickened by these words because I knew, at this point, that Erick would not live. I believe in hope and faith and miracles, but I also know that God knows the bigger picture regarding eternal life and the plan of salvation, and we do not "command" a certain outcome, though we can plead or request for such; I felt it was very presumptuous, though again, I know Wayne meant well. My mother was among those "other" family members at the hospital, and honestly, she was better grounded about the whole situation than any of the others. Mom was supportive and respectful of my decisions and trusted in my inspiration, and cared about my feelings, and was reverent about the whole situation.
This blessing that Wayne gave really bothered me because afterwards all of these family members had no doubt that Erick would live. The next day I approached Robert and asked, "Robert, do you believe that what other's think would supersede the inspiration the wife strongly feels?" He told me, "no", but didn't say anymore. During the night I dreamed that Erick came to me, very vividly, and told me he was leaving. I will never forget the picture of him in my dream - the most vivid dream I've ever had to this day; the colors were vibrant and the message was clear- Erick was letting go.
The next day there were lots of smiles and positive attitudes and assurances that all would be well, that Erick was going to pull through without a doubt. Well, why didn't I feel this way? I rarely left Erick's side, and no one could budge me now. I always touched him, his arm or hand. I know that he could hear everything that was going on around him, but he could not communicate. Robert stood on one side of Erick, and I sat on the other side. Robert touched Erick's hand and requested that he give some signal that he could comprehend, there was nothing. I then talked to Erick while holding his left hand and asked him the same, "Erick, can you hear me, can you give me some little movement to let me know?" He moved his fingers in my hand!! I was elated and told him so, and tried to get him to do it again. It was a sign to me of his love for me. He used the last ounce of his strength to give me this little gift, and it was the last acknowledgment he could gift me in this life. As I think about this even at this moment, years later, tears easily flow.
After Robert left the cubicle, I talked and talked to Erick. Like I said, I knew he could hear every word though he could not give more affirmation that this was true, but I knew it was true. I told Erick that although I did not want him to leave, and that although I wanted to go through this life with him, I could do it alone if I had to; that I would take good care of our children. I told him that I loved him and that his children loved him, and that they would miss him, too, but they would feel assurance of our future reunion. For some reason I felt it necessary to tell him that I would have no more children. I told him that it was okay to let go, to move on, to help prepare the way for when his family reunites with him.
I got up very early the next morning, as usual, and was determined to catch our doctor before visiting hours. Robert had left the day before to head back to West Plains due to work but planned to come back soon. During the night I had the strong impression that Erick no longer wanted life support. Luckily the doctor was right where I needed him to be this morning. I asked him if I had the right to decide, all on my own, to pull the life support. He vigorously told me "yes", and not only that but said he felt it was cruel to keep Erick on life support any longer because all of his organs were shutting down and that he had to be in pain.
I desired that no one else participate in this sacred, agonizing event. This was the end of my husband's earthly life and I knew how he felt. If our children were given the choice I didn't think they would want to watch their daddy die, so I requested that no one else be in attendance. The doctor wasted no time in preparations for this to happen. I believe the doctor worried that I was at a breaking point and felt anxious about my emotional/physical health. I had not been eating much during this whole ordeal, and I would rarely leave Erick's side.
After the neural surgeon assessed Erick's abilities, he expressed some hope that Erick would live. He said that he might not ever do accounting again, but felt that through rehabilitation he could perform minimal tasks. He also might be in a wheelchair for the remainder of his life.
My thinking after the doctor's evaluation was that I wanted Erick here in any way we could keep him. I would be fine with waiting on him hand and foot for the remainder of his life, just so long as he could still recognize his family and enjoy the progress of his children. Maybe if he wasn't so bogged down from the pressures of work, he'd be able to relax and be happy and healthy despite his physical limitations.
While Erick was in the ICU, outside family members would come in and out of his cubicle pretty much whenever they felt like it. They had in mind their own approaches to try and "cure" Erick. Several would come in at once and make a bunch of ridiculous noises while laughing and singing, and put a music box on the bed at Erick's head. I sensed by the slight change in expression that he was agitated by this. I realized that he wanted to hear my voice and nothing else. These were his last hours and he didn't want just anyone floating in and out of his room, making a spectacle of themselves to suit their own needs. I'm sure they meant well, but at the time I was feeling extremely protective of Erick and only cared about what I knew Erick wanted. I was grateful when visiting hours ended each day. He had made it clear to me that he wanted only his wife and children surrounding him at this time. I believe he felt comfort when Robert was around him, too, though.
During this 2nd week, I discerned that Erick would not live. All of the hullabaloo going on around him was appalling to me. I wanted to be alone with my husband and ascertained that if left the decision open for discussion, Erick would be on life support forever. Erick trusted me with this decision. Sometimes it is hard for family to let go, to perceive when it is enough. Although I wanted Erick to live, I did not deceive myself into thinking that he would, and Heavenly Father's Spirit had clearly been preparing my children and I to accept what was to come.
At some point during this week, Erick was given a priesthood blessing by his brother, Wayne, who commanded Erick to live. I was immediately sickened by these words because I knew, at this point, that Erick would not live. I believe in hope and faith and miracles, but I also know that God knows the bigger picture regarding eternal life and the plan of salvation, and we do not "command" a certain outcome, though we can plead or request for such; I felt it was very presumptuous, though again, I know Wayne meant well. My mother was among those "other" family members at the hospital, and honestly, she was better grounded about the whole situation than any of the others. Mom was supportive and respectful of my decisions and trusted in my inspiration, and cared about my feelings, and was reverent about the whole situation.
This blessing that Wayne gave really bothered me because afterwards all of these family members had no doubt that Erick would live. The next day I approached Robert and asked, "Robert, do you believe that what other's think would supersede the inspiration the wife strongly feels?" He told me, "no", but didn't say anymore. During the night I dreamed that Erick came to me, very vividly, and told me he was leaving. I will never forget the picture of him in my dream - the most vivid dream I've ever had to this day; the colors were vibrant and the message was clear- Erick was letting go.
The next day there were lots of smiles and positive attitudes and assurances that all would be well, that Erick was going to pull through without a doubt. Well, why didn't I feel this way? I rarely left Erick's side, and no one could budge me now. I always touched him, his arm or hand. I know that he could hear everything that was going on around him, but he could not communicate. Robert stood on one side of Erick, and I sat on the other side. Robert touched Erick's hand and requested that he give some signal that he could comprehend, there was nothing. I then talked to Erick while holding his left hand and asked him the same, "Erick, can you hear me, can you give me some little movement to let me know?" He moved his fingers in my hand!! I was elated and told him so, and tried to get him to do it again. It was a sign to me of his love for me. He used the last ounce of his strength to give me this little gift, and it was the last acknowledgment he could gift me in this life. As I think about this even at this moment, years later, tears easily flow.
After Robert left the cubicle, I talked and talked to Erick. Like I said, I knew he could hear every word though he could not give more affirmation that this was true, but I knew it was true. I told Erick that although I did not want him to leave, and that although I wanted to go through this life with him, I could do it alone if I had to; that I would take good care of our children. I told him that I loved him and that his children loved him, and that they would miss him, too, but they would feel assurance of our future reunion. For some reason I felt it necessary to tell him that I would have no more children. I told him that it was okay to let go, to move on, to help prepare the way for when his family reunites with him.
I got up very early the next morning, as usual, and was determined to catch our doctor before visiting hours. Robert had left the day before to head back to West Plains due to work but planned to come back soon. During the night I had the strong impression that Erick no longer wanted life support. Luckily the doctor was right where I needed him to be this morning. I asked him if I had the right to decide, all on my own, to pull the life support. He vigorously told me "yes", and not only that but said he felt it was cruel to keep Erick on life support any longer because all of his organs were shutting down and that he had to be in pain.
I desired that no one else participate in this sacred, agonizing event. This was the end of my husband's earthly life and I knew how he felt. If our children were given the choice I didn't think they would want to watch their daddy die, so I requested that no one else be in attendance. The doctor wasted no time in preparations for this to happen. I believe the doctor worried that I was at a breaking point and felt anxious about my emotional/physical health. I had not been eating much during this whole ordeal, and I would rarely leave Erick's side.
Our last family picture together, November 1997
Part Seven-
(Still, as I reread some of these writings, I tear up. It took me several years to work past nightmares about Erick's death. My writings cannot convey all that he went through during the hospital ordeal, or even all that I felt. There are still several parts to this story, and I will continue working on this as I can muster up the strength to face it again.)
So, here I was, sitting beside my husband, holding his hand, thinking about our children, about this final phase in Erick's earth life; it felt like a heavy, overwhelming, lonely journey, yet I knew I was not alone. I knew that Heavenly Father was not only watching over us, but was with us. Four other people were in the cubicle with me - the doctor, two nurses, and a social worker. The doctor asked if I thought it would bother me to watch as the tubes and the life-support were disconnected. I said "no" because I felt that every avenue had been taken to try and save Erick's life. I knew that Heavenly Father had other plans for our husband and father. But also, I knew that Erick was already gone, he was no longer within this diseased body even though life support said differently.
Once life-support was disconnected, Erick's heart stopped beating almost immediately; the life support had been a false illusion of the reality. Once his heart slowed down and was taking its last couple of jumps, I began to cry. I was 'feeling', yet I was so very numb. What happened next, as I look back on it, is incomprehensible and as a social worker, myself, with the training I have received, I will never understand it.
Me: *crying*
Social worker: "SHHH!!"
Me: *suddenly stop crying*
When it was over, the people in the room said their condolences and left me alone with my husband's body, and that is what it was, Erick's body, not Erick. I sat there, in some level of shock, not knowing what to think or feel, yet realizing that once I left his side, this would be it. I sat next to him for about a half an hour, and then allowed other family members to visit. I don't remember a lot about the reactions of others, but do remember that Erick's mom was very emotional- after all, this is her son, and who wants to lose a child, even a grown child.
I was barely out of the cubicle when someone from the funeral home showed up. To say the least, I thought it was extremely inappropriate (combined with what the social worker had done). I thought that someone had tipped them off to come and make a sell - they were there immediately upon Erick's death and they were from Powell! How could this happen so fast unless someone tipped them off?
Another event that happened right away was that Wayne and Robert insisted that I get to the social security office to find out how much money our family would be given. This happened within a couple of hours of Erick's death and I remember riding in a car with them, feeling very numb, not wanting to go, but understanding it was going to happen anyway. When we get the social security office Wayne and Robert waited for me to do the talking! I didn't want to talk! My husband had barely died. I could hardly speak. Some how I managed to
The events that occurred after this, on this day, are a bit of a haze, but a few things stick out very clearly. One, at some point Tommy was beside me and this was extremely reassuring.
Me: *crying*
Social worker: "SHHH!!"
Me: *suddenly stop crying*
When it was over, the people in the room said their condolences and left me alone with my husband's body, and that is what it was, Erick's body, not Erick. I sat there, in some level of shock, not knowing what to think or feel, yet realizing that once I left his side, this would be it. I sat next to him for about a half an hour, and then allowed other family members to visit. I don't remember a lot about the reactions of others, but do remember that Erick's mom was very emotional- after all, this is her son, and who wants to lose a child, even a grown child.
I was barely out of the cubicle when someone from the funeral home showed up. To say the least, I thought it was extremely inappropriate (combined with what the social worker had done). I thought that someone had tipped them off to come and make a sell - they were there immediately upon Erick's death and they were from Powell! How could this happen so fast unless someone tipped them off?
Another event that happened right away was that Wayne and Robert insisted that I get to the social security office to find out how much money our family would be given. This happened within a couple of hours of Erick's death and I remember riding in a car with them, feeling very numb, not wanting to go, but understanding it was going to happen anyway. When we get the social security office Wayne and Robert waited for me to do the talking! I didn't want to talk! My husband had barely died. I could hardly speak. Some how I managed to
The events that occurred after this, on this day, are a bit of a haze, but a few things stick out very clearly. One, at some point Tommy was beside me and this was extremely reassuring.
(rough draft under construction ... )
No comments:
Post a Comment