My Brother's Cabin

It was exhilarating as I hopped into my car, headed toward the mountains, and joyfully waved goodbye to the 115-degree temperatures of the Phoenix valley for a few days. As I sat outside in the cool morning air, I felt very thankful for the reprieve from the heat and thankful to have had access to such a beautiful area because of a beloved family member. A loud, overwhelming sound came from the cicadas that clicked and buzzed loudly nearby as if they owned this place. Interestingly,  the cicadas went silent all at the same time. I wondered how this is determined.  Guess they all found mates at the same time 😆 or something. Then it was so quiet it seemed I could hear myself think. Now, that's pretty scary 😂 and very enlightening. 

The Dime on My Bathroom Floor

     I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write about this, but it was spurred on by a dime that's been lying on my bathroom floor for a couple of weeks (Ok, I admit that it's probably been closer to a ). When I vacuum or mop, I've ignored it- the epitome of laziness. Well, this morning it reminded me of a nightmarish incident that happened years ago when my children were little. Michael (now 31) was the baby at the time and he was crawling all over the place. There was this penny on the floor in the doorway between the master bedroom and the hallway; it was lodged underneath the door, close to the side of the door hinges. Every time I walked past it I would hear this little internal voice warning me to pick it up, but for some strange reason, I didn't. Well, sure enough, eventually crawling Michael picked it up and stuck it into his mouth. I didn't see him pick it up or put it into his mouth, but when I saw him choking, I instantly knew what it was. I immediately picked him up and tried dislodging it only to make it worse. Thankfully Erick was home and he tried. To say the least, I was in panic mode as Michael was turning blue, and thankfully Erick was the rock. We lived across a field maybe 1/4 or 1/8 mile from the hospital, so Erick took off running with Michael over his shoulder, towards the hospital. As Erick was running across the field, the penny dislodged, likely from the jostle of Erick's running movements. Erick said he heard Michael take in a deep breath and begin to breathe. As Erick walked back to the house, he held Michael a little tighter than normal. To say the least, we were extremely relieved and so very grateful. I tend to be hard-headed at times and don't always pay attention to those "promptings" that help us to do the right thing, or to stay safe. I've learned to navigate promptings of the spirit better at certain times than others. The dime on my bathroom floor caused me to stop and reflect. Have I been listening to that small, little voice lately? I know we all get them, every day, in fact. Is there something I should be doing, or someone who needs me? Ok, well, I picked the dime up from off my bathroom floor this morning.

Feelings of anxiety are a constant struggle. I find myself hiding from the world whenever possible. However, I'm able to work with colleagues and families  on my caseload, yet I find myself running from friends at church- what is that about? I am almost positive this is some kind of unreasonable expectation I have within myself. I read an article that sums up what might be at the root of this anxiety: 

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     "In addition to extreme avoidance of anxiety-filled situations, several human traits come together in a 'perfect storm' to create debilitating anxiety: biological vulnerability to anxiety, coupled with stress; worry; distorted perception and thinking; perfectionism; excessive niceness; and unresolved regrets." 

Journaling and Anxiety

The twins began attending the singles ward for church today but before they left, they went to church with me in our normal family ward. During Sacrament a lady gave a talk about writing in journals. She reminded us of good points about journaling, advising to write at least once a month, or even once a year. Journaling can help us put thoughts and life into a healthy perspective. I had never thought about journaling for mental health. I have experienced anxiety over the past few years, sometimes very debilitating. I was reading an article recently about how exercise and healthy eating might help it. Maybe journaling can be a helpful tool for my stress and anxiety. My anxiety causes stress and then I fall into ruminating. Maybe journaling will help minimize my anxiety through a little more focus and examination of the root causes. I need to shift my thoughts to a more empowered and action-oriented path. Let this be the beginning of better journaling!

Honorable Return

     





















A beautiful thing happened during August 2018. Our babies, Hansan and Dallan, arrived home from serving the Lord with all their might, mind, and hearts for 2 full years.  Hansan served in the Chile Osorno Mission, and Dallan served in Spain Madrid Mission. It has been an interesting two years as the boys have sent weekly emails sharing  mission stories and the love they have for the people of Chile and Spain. Because of an app called "WhatsApp", they are able to continue a relationship with friends from both countries. The special aspect of their return is that Dallan's mission president helped the boys to meet up in Dallas before flying in on the same plane into Phoenix. Hansan flew into Dallas 8 hours before Dallan. I flew into Dallas to spend that layover time with Hansan and waited for Dallan with him. All three of us were able to sit together on the flight into Phoenix. It was a joy as I watch my boys greet and hug each other at the Dallas airport for the first time in 2 years! It was seriously a tear-jerker. 

All of my children showed up for the twins' return. Everyone except Xiaojun, Noel, Brickman and Lincoln were able to greet them as they flew into the Phoenix airport. Let it be known that I am posting the group picture but I don't like it that Xiaojun and children were missing in the picture. Thankfully everyone will be here for Thanksgiving and we can get a picture of the whole family. 

Life is a blessing.

Wow, the last time I posted was in 2016. Life has certainly not stopped just because I haven't journaled.
I've been working for the Department of Child Safety for going on 3 years now. A shocking incident happened yesterday. One of the families I've been working with is a mom, dad, and two daughters. The girls are 11 and 7; very cute, smart children. The children were taken into DCS custody due to domestic violence and substance abuse. The police found the residence to be deplorable and called DCS to remove the children. At the time the police were called, the parents were in a domestic violence altercation and both of them were drunk. As time passed, I inherited the case as the ongoing case manager. Unfortunately, since the beginning of the case, the parents have not progressed in the behavioral changes necessary to ensure the children's safety and wellbeing. The parents still do the DV thing when they are together. The other night, the mom spent the night at the father's residence (they've been split up). I don't know what happened during the night, but the mom said she went to bed with music playing through her earphones until the next morning when she got up and found that father dead in the living room. He had hung himself. This is such a sad story. I was pretty shook up about it. The father had contacted me the day before requesting help with paying his rent. I told him that this wasn't a case where we could help because it wasn't the last barrier to reunification with his children since he was still testing positive for alcohol, and he was not homeless. You can't help but feel that every little thing added to his distress and feeling like he wanted to take his own life. It has given me pause to think about how our interactions with others might play on the choices they make down the road.

Mountain Out of a Molehill.

     I don't know where to begin. Two days ago I was an emotional mess; today I am not. What seemed to be a SERIOUS problem over the past 3 weeks ended up being a mountain made out of a molehill. I will not mention the source of this conflict, at this time, but a minor issue was definitely made into a major issue and exaggerated way out of proportion, which led to lack of sleep and emotional turmoil, with thoughts of being handcuffed and taken away at any moment and charged with a felony! Well, come to find out, it was not true. Now that I found relief, I have to stop and reflect on how I managed this "psychological thriller." I did not fair well during this rollercoaster of events. My reaction was more harmful than the false reporting. Although I had a right to be alarmed by the supposed charges, it did not help to let it get the best of me.

More than A Person Can Withstand?

 
 I don't know.  It's been a while since I've been here. So much has happened since my last visit. I guess events that have occurred lately have driven me back to writing. Maybe it will be cathartic and help calm my nerves and mind. I'll have to tell you about it, but not tonight; it's late. Good night.

Engaged!

Taylor is now an officially engaged young man. He will marry Samantha Lyn Harris on December 19, 2015. My son has found his eternal companion, his soulmate. They will marry in the Salt Lake Temple for time and all eternity.

Weekend Company

   I don't like sarcasm when it involves putting someone else down or making fun of someone behind their back. To me, sarcasm is a little more negatively slanted than teasing. I get the impression that some use sarcasm as a defense against low confidence by putting others down; someone who always has to be "right" even though they are definitely not. I love to tease, but if it is hurting someone then it is not funny or right. Some people confuse sarcasm with teasing, but in my mind they are two completely different attitudes. I think it's very sad when a family member cannot be happy for another family member's successes and aspirations. When something good is said about other family members, there always has to be a negative or a sarcastic remark in response while hiding behind attempting to be hopeful for them.

   I've had lots of company over the past 3 weekends. Michael and Kaitlin were here the first weekend. Michael brought Kaitlin home specifically so I could meet her and I like her a lot. I hope the situation moves forward for them.

   The next weekend Taylor came home with Samantha. She is wonderful, too, and perfect for Taylor. They will definitely be getting married and he will officially pop the "question" within a couple of weeks. It looks like they will marry around the 16th - 18th of December. Taylor is head over heels.

   This weekend Jena dropped Richie off at the Mesa airport on Friday and then she and Jackson are with us. It's been fun having Jackson all to ourselves. He's such a happy little guy and is cooing and squealing away at this point. They are going to church with us today. It's been good for the twins that Jena hangs out a bit with them.

   I started back to school at the end of August. After the grueling summer semester and the ensuing 2-week break, I guess it's time I get back into the swing. I have this semester and next semester before I graduate in April and I will never go to school again! :-) Of course I will never stop learning but I definitely won't miss doing homework. Homework assignments and due dates get pretty stressful at times.

   Earlier, on the same evening that I picked Taylor and Samantha up from the airport, I had an incident. I was sitting in bed, waiting for the time to go pick them up (around 10:30 p.m.), and my heart started racing. I tried to calm myself and not panic but started sweating and feeling a little funny - but not dizzy. After about 5 minutes of trying to take deep breaths to stay calm and hopefully stop the racing, I got up and went downstairs to be near the boys in case I fainted or something. I worked at staying calm and paying attention to my body. Dallan found my pulse in my neck and it was beating about 140 to 150 bpm. After about 15 minutes I decided to walk back upstairs. I was staying calm but was definitely worried. I walked slowly up the stairs, realizing that my heart was beating to fast for anymore exertion. Even though I took one step at a time, by the time I got up the stairs my heart was then feeling like it was pounding out of my chest. I sat back down on my bed to try and relax and stay calm. I started doing my homework again and after another 5 minutes my heart suddenly stopped beating so fast. It didn't slow down, it just went back to beating normally. This whole episode lasted about 20 minutes. This has happened 3 or 4 other times within the past year or so.

   I told the doctor about it at my appointment yesterday morning. I had to go in to find out results from blood, urine, ultrasound, and xrays she had done on me a couple of weeks earlier. She decided to run an EKG on me right there in the office. I thought she wouldn't find anything since I felt calm and relaxed during this visit. Unfortunately, the machine found that (in an unconfirmed report) that might have had a myocardial infarction sometime in the past. My heart beats are not normal and she is sending me to a cardiologist as soon as she can get me in. *sigh*

   Over the past 3 weeks I have lost 15 lbs. I am trying to take better care of myself. My stress levels get pretty high sometimes and I know this is not good for me either. I worried about the master's program being too stressful for me but figured that it would be okay as long as I attend to my health. I want to lose quite a bit more weight and also figure out how to chill and not be so worried about every little thing that comes along, including when my children are upset with me. I don't think they realize how much I worry about meeting their "needs" even when I can't because of my own schedule.

   I need to get ready for church - so, goodbye little journal.

Interesting

     Life is very interesting. A person can say or see or hear the very same thing at the same time as others, yet all of these "others" will have a completely different perspective on what they see or understand in comparison to each other. I am listening to a couple of fellow students as they talk about using the word "ma'am". I would never be offended if someone addressed me with this word, but these girls are sounding indignant that anyone would refer to them this way. To me it's a sign of respect or speaking politely. Of course all words can be turned into an insult when used in a specific tone, but generally, I believe it is used out of politeness.

     "Excuse me, ma'am," the boy called out in a quiet voice.

37 Years

   I have started a tradition. As I have already mentioned, today (July 26th - it's past midnight now so this will look like we went on the 27th) would be mine and Erick's 37th wedding anniversary. If he were here, of course we would have celebrated it in some way. So, Nathan, Cindy and I went to a Jersey Boys musical tonight. These are songs Erick used to sing, and I must add, he sang them much better than the cast that sang them tonight.

   After Erick died, it took me several years before I could listen to men's singing voices without crying. So tonight, the main thing I thought about was Erick and his voice. He had a beautiful voice and could have gone professional had he ever decided to, I totally believe.

   So, every year on our anniversary, I plan to do something that we would have done to celebrate it together.

   Happy anniversary, Erick.

The Car, the Anniversary, the Birthday, the Baptism, the Cool Cat

   Yep, so I blew it. We drove to my brother's house and, of course, Emry always serves yummy food, and what did I do? - made a piggy-wiggy of myself and ate potato chips and sloppy joes on white bread! This might not seem like any big deal to anyone but me, but I know what's going to happen now! Tomorrow I'm going to weigh 50 lbs more!

                       

Wayne and Emry did something pretty special for
the twins ...... BOUGHT THEM A CAR.They are so good to us in every way. Of course you know that the twins are in 7th heaven! I don't think they believed it at first. After dinner Wayne sent the twins and Chloe out to go buy ice cream and told them to take the Kia because the "other" car wasn't working right. Chloe drove and then on the way back handed the keys to the twins ... Chloe said the look on their faces was priceless.

It's a 2003 Kia Spectra (newer than mine!) 

   


 On another note - today would be our 37th wedding anniversary, he was 27 and I was 22! Erick and I had a great gift on our 10th anniversary when Michael Ray Jones was born, who is 27 years old today. And there he is (middle), playing a character in one of the church Bible videos :-) .

Happy birthday, Michael!    

And look who was baptized by his daddy today! Brickman!! :-) 

And this is Jackson, the cool cat, in a swimming pool this morning - :-) 

I...Can...Do...This...!

   I have a few moments as my fingers click away. For what reason, I do not know, but my fingers do the walking as I type on this page. But, I don't have much to say, so maybe I will quit writing and go jog around in my backyard before the temperature gets any hotter on this beautiful day. My mind goes flipping through its files as I consider what to do - nope, can't find anything in there to stall what I don't want to do ... but must do ... exercise time .... *sigh*

White Coat Ceremony

One proud mom ..... 

   Tommy flew in over the weekend to support Nathan in his future endeavors towards medical school. The University of Arizone College of Medicine White Coat Ceremony was held on Friday and it was wonderful to attend as I watched my son's face glow with excitement and pride at finally accomplishing the first step towards his dreams of becoming a doctor. Emrie's family, Richard's family,  Tommy, and I were in attendance. The twins were chopping and hauling wood up in the mountains for the week so they weren't there. I was able to meet Nathan's co-worker, Lee, finally. He's been associated with her for about 10 years and would talk about her fairly often. She's been a great support for him. I really like her but, unfortunately, I didn't converse with her much because she was a bit teary-eyed and emotional and I was trying understand her body language and mannerisms for some reason.  

My beautiful family. 

   After the ceremony we ran off to have dinner at the Village Inn since every place else looked booked for a Friday night. It was interesting to watch my family interact with each other as they teased and competed and looked after grandchildren. The family dynamics are pretty interesting at times. I've never heard Jackson cry as much as he did during the ceremony. I believe there was too  much commotion for his tender little spirit. The other grandchildren, naturally, tried to overwhelm him in their excitement of cooing and touching, but Jackson was not up to it and he was very tired. Richard and Jena were trying to shield him which worked for a little bit, but Jackson was needing sleep. There were enough adults around that I decided not to be so possessive and try to keep him to myself. It was Tommy's first time to interact with his newest nephew. 

   Richard is now considered an MS2, which means he's a second year medical student, and Nathan is now an MS1. I am so proud of my children in their educational endeavors. This has been a dream come true for Nathan and I can't express enough how happy I am for him and his family. It will be a long road but I hope he keeps up his appreciative attitude. Our family is continually blessed, over and over again. I am positive Erick is watching over us and joyful for each family member's successes. 

   
 to coo and touch, but Jackson isn't up to too much of that yet so Richard and Jena were trying to shield him which worked a little bit of the time. There were enough adults around that I decided I couldn't be too possessive, and this was the first time Tommy was able to interact with his new, little nephew

 

   

A Heartfelt Mystery.

   On Tuesday morning something extraordinary happened. Two pairs of red, trimmed in navy blue, Lebron special edition basketball shoes ended up at our front door. Hansan and Dallan were freaked-out ecstatic. We have no idea who they came from. I happened to look out my bathroom window in time to see a Federal Express truck backing off of our driveway and I couldn't think of anything I had ordered. I told Dallan to go check the front door in case a package was delivered. Sure enough, there set a Foot Locker bag of brand new shoes. We were confused at first because they were not wrapped in a package for mail, they were only in a store bag with no note or a receipt. I finally decided that someone must be friends with the FedEx guy and he was probably asked to hand deliver the shoes so we wouldn't find out who gifted them to the boys. I asked all of my children but no one has a clue. Man oh man!

Putting two-and-two together, this reminded me of the Wonder Woman socks I received around Mother's Day. They were delivered through Amazon and we never figured out who sent them, and now I wonder if the same person is involved. It has been a big mystery ...
                                 
                ❤      ❤      ❤


All I know is this: Every single day, literally, we are blessed by other human beings. I am humbled and grateful for the love and generosity that surrounds us continually. Whether it be a simple smile, or a lending hand, I am overwhelmed by the goodness and example of human angels who touch our lives. 

Shackled and Chained.

   Tuesday morning. No school, but plenty of homework, unbelievable amount, overwhelming amount. I am chained to my education. Got to keep going. Some don't understand. Why can't you do this or that? Why? Because I am chained to my homework. I am a slave. I have to do it. There is no other way out. It has to be done. I wish you understood. I am doing this for my future, for my children's future. I don't want to be dependent, to cause hardship on someone else. Plus, I want my education even though this is not an easy route. I think of my grandchildren. I love my family. I need more time with them. But, this is the best route not to become a burden. Besides, I have worked hard and hope this is a good example to my family. But the homework, it is there whether I want to do it or not, I have to. Homework. I am a slave. I am bound, chained, shackled, imprisoned, in bondage. I can do it; I will do it. Now. Today. All day. Almost every day.

   Even so, I am thankful for this wonderful opportunity to obtain a masters degree, so keep going.

Sleeping Beauty

   Ashlynn, my oldest granddaughter, is such a lovely, sweet 11-year-old. I've had the privilege of having her over for a couple of nights. Time certainly flies, I remember the glorious day when she was born. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I believe she looks most like her daddy.

   With Ashlynn's help we organized the pot/pan cupboard and cleaned up my bedroom; we colored pictures and in the evening I took her to the theater to see Malificent -- a take off the classic story of Sleeping Beauty. Yesterday I studied in the morning before we went to Emrie's for Masie's 6th birthday, swim party. Emrie actually sat next to me and talked with me. Once the twins arrived home from chopping/hauling wood up in the mountains for 4 days, Dallan played with her in our pool, and then the boys took her with them to run errands (basically, they just wanted to go drive the car). Ashlynn fell asleep while watching a DVD with them so I moved her up to bed with me.

Masie turned 6!! 

   Right now, at 8:30 a.m., Ashlynn is still sleeping as I sit beside her typing this up. I have a meeting at 10:30 with Sunshine Acres Children's Home and I will take her with me. The boys left at 6:00 a.m. and won't get back home from a youth lake trip until 4:00 p.m., at which time I will let them spread their wings and drive Ashlynn all the way home to Maricopa. I will miss her sweet little spirit.

Update: the boys didn't make it home until about 6:00 p.m. last night. They had fun water boarding but Dallan was frustrated because he was the only one that couldn't get up on the board. I think he just needed a little more time to work it out - he's completely capable, for sure. After our meeting with Sunshine Acres Ashlynn asked if we could go to IHop so I treated her to pancakes there. Cindy came and picked her up around 2:00 p.m. and then Ashlynn was suddenly gone. *sigh* Although I was sorry to see her go, I probably enjoyed our time together more than she did. I had plenty of homework to do after she left, but it was fun having her with me for a couple of days.

Sleep Beauty :-) 

Curfews! and You Think You Know?

   A rather humorous situation occurred last night with the twins. Most of my children remember (or should I say, all of my children remember) that I am a stickler when it comes to curfews. The boys went on a triple date to the movies and then to the football field at the high school to play games. Of course, the boys had to be home no later than 11:30 p.m., and they knew not to be one minute late, or else!

   The group was playing at the high school field when Hansan and Dallan herded everyone towards the car so they could get one of the girls home by her curfew at 11:00 p.m. The other guy didn't want to leave but by the skin of their teeth, the girl was home on time. Afterwards, they had to get the other two girls home pronto to ensure that the twins were in by their curfew. By this point, this would be a challenging task.

   So, there I am, sitting in the living room, waiting, at 11:30 p.m.- no boys; 11:31- no boys; 11:35- no boys; 11:38- no boys; 11:40- I finally hear the door open. Hansan came in first acting happy as a lark, as if there's no care in the world, as if he wasn't a whopping10 minutes late; Dallan came bounding along behind him with a happy smile on his face. I mentally made note that both boys didn't seem concerned about the time. Now, look, I realize that 10 minutes late is only 10 minutes late, but in THIS household, 10 minutes late is definitely past curfew.

   I said, "Hm, you are late", and then do you know what miracle occurred? Both boys' phones read 11:28 p.m., so you see, wonder of all wonders, they were not late! Ha ha ha ha ha--imagine that, my computer and my phone read 11:40 p.m. I wonder how THAT happened? Sometimes kids think parents were born yesterday, I swear.

   So, what happened next, you wonder ... well, I let them dig their holes deeper and deeper as they stuck to their guns while I listened intently (alright, I admit it, amusingly is a better word), trying to be the angel mother I was meant to be; this went on for another 10 minutes, and I was quiet as a butterfly as I listened to them weaving their web. Once all was quiet and there were no more words spewing from these two creatures, I said, "Hmm, interesting that your phones are both 10, or should I say, 12 minutes behind all the other clocks in the house, or perhaps, even within the whole world. I mean, maybe your satellite frequency is picking up from martian time zones, unlike all others." At that point, the sweat on their foreheads, which encases their tiny little teenage brains, became very apparent.

   It was rather interesting as I sent them off to bed, letting them wallow in the confusion of does she know, or doesn't she, does she believe us, or doesn't she, is she mad, or isn't she? Then the beans came rolling out of their tiny little mouths with Hansan going first: "Mom, we aren't telling the truth." In my mind I'm thinking, no kidding! But, being the angel mother that I am, instead I said, "Really?" And then Dallan spoke up and proceeded to say that it was just a BIG JOKE. Ooops, we were almost there, but then they go and blow it farther down into the deepening hole! *sigh*

   Both boys said they were on the way home and told the driver about how worried they felt because mom will be upset about missing the curfew, but the driver-friend had an easy solution, just change the time on the phones - brilliant! Of course, Hansan and Dallan thought it an ingenious suggestion and hopped right on it.

   I told them that being late was not good, but lying about it definitely makes it much worse and that I was disappointed in them for lying to me. By this time it was a little after midnight and both boys went on upstairs to bed. I was still sitting on the couch reading 30 minutes later when Hansan came back downstairs looking anguished and repentant. He told me he was very, very sorry and that he wouldn't do it again. Now, how on earth can a mother's heart not soften up to that? It was only a minor thing, and I certainly don't want to make it seem bigger than it is, but the lessons of honesty, integrity, obedience, forgiveness, and repentance are huge for future decisions.

   There's more to this little story, but I will leave it at this. I realize these are two good boys who want to be respectful and obedient and do the right thing. I love them very much, and maybe, just maybe, in the next life I will become that angel mother they deserve .... *sigh*

   Oh, and, teenagers make the world go round! :-)
_________________________________________________

  So you think you know what's really going on? I feel the judgement, the condescending attitude. I try to pretend it's not there, but it is. You assume to know, but you don't.

   Reminder to self: Don't judge others. There is an old saying about not judging someone until you've walked in their shoes, but I say, even if you think you've walked in their shoes, do not judge.

   An example: I was driving down the road in LA many years ago. A guy in front of me was driving ridiculously below the speed limit and I could not get around him; I was in a hurry. After about 15 minutes, to say the least, I was not a happy camper. Come to find out, this guy was a friend, and his wife had just had a miscarriage and he was very sadly upset. Had I known the full facts, would I have felt so impatient? No.

   Another example: A young lady didn't have enough money to feed her kids, yet she always wore new clothes. One might sit in judgement thinking how dare she, she's on welfare, yet she can afford to buy those fancy clothes? Well, come to find out, one of her sisters couldn't give her money to help feed her sister's kids, but she could share nice hand-me-downs that she was given by one of her friends.

   So, really, how do you know what's really going on? And that's not even the point, the point is, do not judge. Please don't help out if you feel it's your right to be judge and jury and bask in a pool of self-righteous indignation as you snit around with your nose up in the air!

   The End.